Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
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To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide