Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
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Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
“and how does that make you feel?”
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits