COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
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I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.