Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
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4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S