Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.