Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
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Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I cannot call her anything else now
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son