Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game