Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
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BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I have taken up painting
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.