Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
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Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
This is Sparta
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*