Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *opens candy wrapper*

Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

🙄

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

“FOUND ‘EM!”

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

Squirrels before girls.

him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far

My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.