cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
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*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice