Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
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chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix