She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
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Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.