*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
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Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
This bar smells like my childhood.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*