Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

Saying “Hmmmmmmmm” when my boss walks in so he knows I’m thinking about stuff

I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”

*the oranges finally shut up

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.