*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
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My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
BRO LMFAO
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
Mountain Goat : )
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?