*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Quadruple digit IQ
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers