Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

Do not levitate over flowers

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?