Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

The sun is 100% solar-powered.

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:

Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.

Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.

Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”