*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
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Ion see the issue
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore