Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The old gods are rising again.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE

I am, perchance

Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?