Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

Women’s version: Body Soap

Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.

in 3 months

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.