Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

😂

#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”

Getting a good nights sleep

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.

Robin: Great!

Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.

Robin: Ummm….

Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.