COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
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Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*