Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

[6 PM]

Tween:

[7 PM]

Tween:

[8 PM]

Tween:

[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️