Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
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Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.