Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.

You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

#SaturdayBears

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…

Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

– Are you upset?

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

– No.

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books