Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
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Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Quadruple digit IQ
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”