Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

*blowing up your phone at 3am*

I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

best first i’ve ever seen

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get you kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

Squirrel having fun.. 😅