Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

i did the math

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

Asking the real questions!