Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale