Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash

date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

When my husband says I don’t get out enough with the kids when they’re off school in the summer, I like to remind him it’s called being a stay-at-home mom and not a leave-the-house mom.

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.