Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
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It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
life finds a way
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Good morning!
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!