Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

Tough love is true love

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.