Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

omg the susans have started to replicate please send he

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]