Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.

how high up are we talkin’?

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

This guy’s not having it 😆

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Why the hell does that hurt now?

Me, waking up every morning.

[my first day at Marvel Comics]

Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!

Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.