Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
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Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
#ThisMakesMeLaugh