Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
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My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg