bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
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I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
When someone trying to leave me
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here