Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you

Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything

The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”

Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room

When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.

Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.

Her: He liked to ride fish?!

It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

*Tries to warm up car*

Car: I have a boyfriend