Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.

Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

pain

Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

I’m so full I could puke a horse

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.