*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
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If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Meowchelangelo
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Google assistant rules
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.