cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
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Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here