Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵

Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

Dentist: “And do you floss?”

Me: “Yes!”

My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

If my kids invented a drink.

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H