@Megatronic13

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME

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@whatbabytalk

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

@SlipperySecret

I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.

…because I don’t have time to get arrested today.

@novicefather

Wife: 2 is driving me crazy and I want to drive off a cliff.

Me: No I need the car.

@ch000ch

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

@KenJennings

just said “Deep Homo” by accident instead of “Home Depot” & am tryingnto laugh it off oops they’re watching me tweet now gotta go

@Mr_Kapowski

[gently brushes your hair out of your face]

“You’re gonna be so pissed when you wake up and see your haircut,” I whisper

@truegritrumble

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

@GrandadJFreeman

Niggas be like I want a girl that rocks Jordan’s, plays video games, and watches sports with me” wtf? You want a boyfriend nigga