Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
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the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.