Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
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My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.
…because I don’t have time to get arrested today.
Wife: 2 is driving me crazy and I want to drive off a cliff.
Me: No I need the car.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
just said “Deep Homo” by accident instead of “Home Depot” & am tryingnto laugh it off oops they’re watching me tweet now gotta go
[gently brushes your hair out of your face]
“You’re gonna be so pissed when you wake up and see your haircut,” I whisper
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Niggas be like I want a girl that rocks Jordan’s, plays video games, and watches sports with me” wtf? You want a boyfriend nigga