Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME

You Might Also Like


My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?


I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.

…because I don’t have time to get arrested today.


Wife: 2 is driving me crazy and I want to drive off a cliff.

Me: No I need the car.


call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.


just said “Deep Homo” by accident instead of “Home Depot” & am tryingnto laugh it off oops they’re watching me tweet now gotta go


[gently brushes your hair out of your face]

“You’re gonna be so pissed when you wake up and see your haircut,” I whisper


WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*


Niggas be like I want a girl that rocks Jordan’s, plays video games, and watches sports with me” wtf? You want a boyfriend nigga