Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
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Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Rt to bother an English speaker
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.