Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
You Might Also Like
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
“You’d better run, egg!”
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”