Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
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I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Oh the world we live in…
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.