COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
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Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Ken is short for chicken
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other