Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.

Cat: *knocks my drink off table*

Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth

TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.