Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[later]

Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.