Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!

4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!

Me: Haha, they’re so cute.

8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!

Me: NO.

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.