Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…

Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

Moms. The original autocorrect.

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?