Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

2015: cake by the ocean

2020: the ocean is cake

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.

MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.

Me: Nice abs, bro

Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?

Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them