Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

english majors be like furthermore

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol