Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

*aggressively waits in line*

Me: I need to pee

Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?

Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.