Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
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A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.