Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
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My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Dammit Chief not again
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes