Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”

No.

“Is it in a barn?”

No.

“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

I can’t 🤣🤣🤣

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary: