Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

*angrily detangles self from wind chime*

Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

Me if I was a dog

My life coach traded me.

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?