Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?