Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages

You see my problem here

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news

me: what’s the ambiguous news?

doctor: one of us is dying

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.