Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.