Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?

Me: I thought it was a carnival

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy