Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
You Might Also Like
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I never know how much to tip a cow.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
This meeting could have been a cake
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.