Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
You Might Also Like
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!