Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Waitress!”

Waitress: “Sir?”

“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

they should create new variants of dopamine

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

Y’all know who you are.