[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
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Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I’m too immature for adultery.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.