Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

They grow up so quick

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.

My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.