Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
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Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
The answer is funnier than the question
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Fiction has to make sense.
