Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

he’s sick of your bullshit today

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

Now this is how you LinkedIn

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.

*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.