Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
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Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.