Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
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the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
How animals would run if they were human
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
this is what they would have looked like, though
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.