Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

When I face a minor setback

Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now

A huge thanks to the person that did this

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

We’re all getting idioter.

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before

Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!

funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!

*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

Doing math together is known as fourplay.